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  • Kristin Rossi

Google and Brains: A Love Story

I use Google a lot. More than I think I even realize.

I work in online media, and I live in 2014. As a result, my entire life is spent within the confines of an internet browser. I'm going to venture a guess and say that your situation isn't much different. There's nothing wrong with that. You're great. Don't change.

But it's weird. The smallest, most insignificant question will come to my head, and the process of opening a new tab, typing an inquiry directly into the url bar, receiving the information, and closing the tab is as effortless as whatever dumb communication goes on between the synapses in my brain.

Here's some news: the smartest people in the world still don't know what happens in the brain. Some things are known about this weird organ that named itself, but most things are not. But we get computers. We made them.

Google is great, but it doesn't know your life outside of knowing what your spending habits are, which websites interest you, who your friends are, where you live, how much money you have, your schedule, what you do for a living... I guess that list goes on for a while. Nevermind.

In an effort to go back to the ol' brain roots for a second, I'm going to do you all an enormous favor. I'm going to type "How to" into Google, and then type a letter of the alphabet. I'll then make a tutorial based on the very first autofill. For each letter of the alphabet. I'll be making these with my brain. And, well, Adobe Illustrator. BUT NO GOOGLE.

Come along with me! This should be dumb.

How to add fractions. Adding fractions is easy. Just write them on separate pieces of paper, schmoose them together, and make kissy noises. The wetter the better.

How to boil eggs.

The important thing to remember is that eggs don't want to be boiled. They want to live inside their mother's butt forever. The right thing to do would be to put that egg where it came from, which is what I've illustrated below.

How to close apps on iOS 7.

Prop your phone up so it's looking right at you, and then throw a couple pelvic thrusts at it, see what happens.

How to draw.

I hesitate to share my most delicious secrets when it comes to drawing, but here goes. Just keep it to yourself.

How to enable cookies.

Why you'd want to encourage addiction, I'll never know. But I'm not here to judge.

How to fall asleep.

What people don't realize is that the moon isn't just in charge of tides - it's in charge of sleep schedules. Specifically yours. So give it a little love. It craves the attention.

How to get iOS 7.

Interpretive dance. Really lose yourself with it.

How to hack.

This one should be pretty self-explanatory.

How to install iOS 7.

My god, you guys. With all these iPhone questions. Familiarize yourself with the Apple Dance Commands cheat sheet, and be done with it.

How to jump a car.


How to kiss.

Practice, practice, practice. Trust me. Practice makes passable.

How to lose weight.

Shut it out emotionally, withhold affection, and "accidentally" let it find some of your flirtatious email exchanges.

How to make money.

Just make a grilled cheese sandwich. That's basically money.

How to not care.

Get the thing you care about drunk, and ask them about their last relationship.

How to open a coconut.

Leave it alone. Be patient. Eventually it will need to change into its pajamas.

How to pick a lock.

Oh, wow. So many to choose from. I don't know - go with the combination lock, I guess. That way you don't have to carry some dumb key around.

How to quit smoking.

Easy. Whenever you smoke a cigarette, listen to looped audio of goats screaming.

How to roll a joint.

Basil, tomatoes, fresh mozzarella. FRESH mozzarella. None of that skunky shit.

How to screenshot on a mac.

With this key command, you can take a screenshot of any individual window. Cmd+Shift+3 will take a shot of the entire screen. Cmd+Shift+4 lets you drag a rectangle over the area you want to save.

These aren't all useless.

How to tie a tie.

Stand in a meadow, and wait for the wildlife to tie it for you. Like Cinderella or whatever. It might take a while, but they'll do it.

How to update iTunes.

Update iTunes by using Spotify.

How to void a check.

Tell it that it's worthless. It might seem harsh, but it's the truth.

How to write a cover letter.

Depending on what country the job is in, it's probably best to use the Arabic alphabet. But you do you.

How to X-ray.

Use reverse psychology.

How to yodel.

You'll need two things: a head cold, and a mountain.

How to zip a file.

Why did you unzip it in the first place, you garbage-person?

You're welcome.


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